May 212011
 

[Ok folks here's the deal, we the RKR staffers do have fun, and there is no end to the little email exchanges between us during the week.  Kari sent this out hours before the "Rapture" was to take place.  Those of us who received it enjoyed a good laugh and thought you would too.  We took a vote, vetoed Kari (actually we didn't tell her!) and now make it available to you!  Have fun!]

Hey! Today’s Vancouver Sun had newsworthy information! I’d heard rumblings, previous to the story “Apocalypse Almost”, but never took the time – until this morning – to learn the details! OK guys, here are my personal top ten reasons why I will not be raptured today.

10. Yes, I am a Christian, but I fear not always a very good one. As you are aware, I like red wine, poker, and perhaps use (ahem!) colourful language (albeit with a California twang) too often. Therefore I fear God is not done with me; I still have way too much to learn. So I will be left behind.

9. Saturday is housecleaning day here on LadyBug Farm. I never go away for extended periods of time without cleaning my house!

8. The horses will still need to eat after my departure/rapture. With only 6 more days of hay left in the barn, and nobody I know who can afford to take on the feed bill due to over-taxation, it would be irresponsible of me to be raptured, under this circumstance.

7. It would be cruel of God to deny me the entertainment of watching Mr Oh-Oh – a.k.a. Jack Layton – trying to morph into some form of statesman. Please God, don’t take me today! I love to laugh! My station on Earth is a front row seat!

6. I need to get a picture of the Canucks winning the Stanley Cup. That will happen shortly, so can we put off the Rapture for a month or two?

5. I have a secret crush on Johnny Depp when he dresses up as Captain Jack Sparrow. I haven’t had time yet to see the latest “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie. Heaven just wouldn’t be the same without this memory!

4. My campaign to have Beverley McLachlin—the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of Canada—resign or removed is about to begin. I believe God wants to see Canadians made happy, and will therefore give me the time to make this happen.

3. Harper got his majority. That means I will be here for at least 4 or 5 years! (Depending on whether the Tories honor their “fixed election date” legislation.)

2. I am enjoying the perks of being the family matriarch, now that my four amazing kids are all grown and have money to buy me Mother’s Day gifts, and all the other gifts required by the commercialized gift-giving marketing gurus. Being raptured today would end this, and that just doesn’t seem right.

1. Tuesday I have plans to attend the rally of the Burnaby parents who are currently whipping the illogic out of their local antidemocratic, pro-gay, propaganda-loving School Board Trustees. This is an important issue—and God knows the trustees won’t be raptured!