The headlines just won’t stop: ‘Take the Fat Kids’…
‘CPS workers remove Obese Kids from their Parents’…
‘Fat Kids need State intervention’…!
OK everyone, it’s time to stop the hatred and contempt of fat folk! It’s time to end the oppression! It’s time for fat to be celebrated, obesity embraced. We’re not gonna take it any more!
It wasn’t that long ago when homosexuality was considered a mental disorder; now it’s time to deal with the fatophobic lies about obesigenetics! If homosexuals can become “gay”, then fatsos must become “jolly”! Fatophobia must END!
We’ll plan our political strategy, using the same tools of deceit and deception so masterfully employed by our comrades-in-arms, the gays! Just as they have succeeded in bullying their way into political stardom now, “Jollies” can, must and will join them in receiving special privileges; we, no less than they (maybe even more, because we’re bigger and our numbers are provably larger!) deserve public and taxpayer recognition—politically, socially and emotionally (not to mention government money—lots of government money!)!
Think of the Jolly jobs we can secure by having Jolly-positive messages mandated in every school, in every subject, at every grade level—to be imposed on every impressionable little mind!
The time is now! This is the Jollies’ “Stonewall” moment! The writing is on the American Psychiatric Association’s wall; the gauntlet was laid down by those hateful Harvard Scholastic sorts, when they published their fear-inducing hate manifesto:
They’re now coming for our chubby children! Fatophobia-induced hate and bullying must stop!
We’re going to take the world by storm; we’ll become visible—increasingly visible; and everywhere, people must be taught to talk positively about—and even celebrate—being “Jolly”! The world must embrace the soon to become famous words of Jolly Pride pioneer Mark Shea, “OUT, STOUT & PROUD”!!
We’ll outlaw negative stereotyping—we’ll vilify any dietician or other professional who dares to speak truth about health-related illnesses of obesity; Lady Gaga (the skinny bitch!) was right: we were “born this way”! And for those who dare to suggest Jollies are fat because of their own dietary choices… well, off with their heads! Oops! I mean off to the Human Rights Tribunals for sensitivity training and a lesson in positive Jolly thinking—and possibly a fine. (Yay! More money!)
Here are some of our demands:
- We want taxpayer funding for an annual Fat Pride Parade in all major (and some minor) cities, featuring that Jolly icon, Santa Claus; the parade should be around Thanksgiving, a time when we can all celebrate overeating. Our expanding waistlines will give new meaning to the phrase “coming out”!
- CampOut! (the summer indoctrination camp for kids) must be made to feature s’mores, potato chips, and pan-fried everything! And non-diet pop. Lots of pop—Super-Sized POP! Corporate sponsors: Coke, McDonalds, KFC, etc.
- End Big Pharma’s unconscionable pushing of diet pills!
- Force students to watch Shallow Hal at school. Promote Hollywood Jolly icons like Jabba the Hutt and Fat Bastard.
- A big-budget Hollywood remake of Jake and the Fat Man.
- Boycott Victoria’s Secret until they start carrying—and advertising—a Jolly line of undies called, “Somewhere Under the Roll.”
- Force Mattel to release a triple-chinned, booty-jiggling Jolly Barbie as a positive role model for not-so-little girls!
We will crush all fatophobics—especially those fanatical exercise gurus! Fatophobes like Jane Fonda will be prohibited from spreading their hate; they must be silenced and those jumpy Jill videos exorcised—I mean burned! But wait there’s more! Those cruel “reparative therapy” groups like Jenny Craig… Weight Watchers… all of them must be shut down! Television shows like the “Biggest Loser” that falsely glorifies the benefits of health and fitness, while perpetrating stereo-typical hate and contempt for jollies, will be banned!
And while we are at it, all reparative therapy, “higher-power”-ed, hokey-pokey phobic groups that deny the reality that we are all “born this way” must be made illegal—groups like the alcophobic Alcoholics Anonymous and narcophobic Narcotics Anonymous. I mean really! Fooling and bullying people into believing that they can change is just so evil! Sure, some people actually do get duped into abstaining from drugs, smoking, alcohol—some even lose weight and then start preaching fatophobic hate messages! But what about the ones who don’t? Is it fair to them? Shouldn’t they be encouraged in their “born-this-way” expressions of sex, drug, drink, tobacco and metabolism uniqueness?
It’s essential that all “Jollies” and their allies adopt the rabid rhetoric and employ the strategic emotional marketing schemes that have been proven so successful by our friends, the “gays”! We must learn to repeat the standard lies/lines: “Who would ever choose to be this way? Teased and bullied, mocked and reviled.” “I’m born this way! I can’t change!” “And I don’t wanna change!”
Yes! Schools must draft anti-fatophobia policies. Nutrition and similar science studies must now feature the benefits of starchy carbohydrates, the need to celebrate copious amounts of white sugar, liberate fried (notice how close this word is to “friend”?) foods from the dark references of being “junk”! Fatty, rich indulgences that provide meaningful comfort and acceptance must be available in every school cafeteria, and from every food dispensing machine. Flags featuring poutine and rainbow-coloured bon-bons must fly over every school and city hall!
Professionals must acknowledge that emotional trauma, pain, sexual abuse and other psychological realities associated with known food consumption behaviours cannot be talked about, for such realities perpetuate the myth that there might be factors other than “I was born this way” and/or “God made me this way”, that have contributed to my generous genetic presence!
Our brothers and sisters (and whoever/whatever else is defined in the gay+++ community) would never tolerate such a truthful and open-dialogue parading of the many life-threatening illnesses associated with their “born-this-way” sexual practices! Why should we? Jollies must mobilize to express resistance and demand redress! This is HATE!!!!!!
Health talk = Hate speech! Don’t let anyone forget it!
Only 3% of Canadians are Gay, but 60% of Canadians are overweight; therefore Jollies deserve a bigger piece of the special-interest pie! Did someone say “PIE”!?!
We need Human Rights Legislation to end fatophobic discrimination, and we demand that governments pay more for our growing (hmmm!) needs, and not restrict funding based on fatophobic funding formulas that attempt to “normalize” caloric intakes. Jollies who can’t work because of their “born this way” health challenges must be given increases in their welfare payments to recognize and celebrate their greater caloric needs. There is no normal!
Besides welfare rate increases, subsidized medical costs and subsidized life insurance must be made available to help us celebrate our rightful and ever-increasingly visible place in society!
Fatophobic rhetoric must be outlawed! Dr. Oz and other alleged medical professionals must be censored (and censured) to stop them from spreading hateful fatophobic lies and zealotry about heart disease, diabetes and other health concerns that they claim are related to measurable body fat! That’s just fatophobic hate speech!
Oprah, the world’s most respected woman, has proven time and again that if one is meant to be fat, he or she will be fat—despite all the diets and money available.
Fatophobic slurs like “Eat an apple”, “Healthy Foods, Healthy Choices”, and “Fit for life” must be bullied into silence! Never again must such words be allowed to echo their hateful messages in school classrooms, cafeterias and hallways!
Jolly-positive posters that celebrate fat diversity must decorate school halls! “Fatasstic!” “All you need is Kripsy Kreme!” “Bubble Buns are Beautiful!” “Eat and be Jolly!” These slogans are acceptable!
The public (and private) schools are our most important tool! Administrators must be made to recognize that there is far more bullying happening to generous-sized, “born-this-way” children than any other kind! Not to take away from the false statistics that have been so instrumental in aiding the duping of the silly classes by our comrades the gays; but, really: fatophobia is a far greater problem!
It’s essential that all students become familiar with and celebrate Fatasstic people! Now, some parents (and a few health professionals) might say that all this positive reinforcement about being fat risks causing children to indulge in the lifestyle! That’s the typical hateful fatophobic response; but we all know “You can’t make a child fat who wasn’t born that way!”
Schools must all celebrate a “Day Against Fatophobia”, when kids will feast on fat-laden and MSG-filled fast foods: french fries, poutine, donuts, sugary drinks, pop… lots of soda pop! Maybe we could combine the politics of the gay “Day of Silence” with our special day, with the motto: “Don’t Hate, just EAT”!
Yes, Fatasstic people have lots to do. A real attention-getter will be to start a petition to help Richard Simmons and Jennifer Hudson free themselves from the bondage of the diet-crazed fatophobes, and return to their true life of generous, sizable, cute and jiggly proportions.
I’m certain that our gay comrades will embrace us as we ride their coat-tails to success. They know it works; just look at how they piggybacked their message onto the civil rights movement!
We should be thankful that most people don’t know how to think! And the schools must not be allowed to teach students how to think; only what to think. Yes, we will rely on the political strategies developed by homosexual activists to demean, defame, and destroy anyone who would dare suggest that there are medical and health consequences to our choice of Jolly behaviour! Oops! I mean “being born this way”, and unalterable genetic make-up.
Be the way you were born to be! Eat lots, drink more and be gay! Or Jolly.